CASE #2019-∞ · ONGOING

The Evidence Board

Seven years. Zero loads. Somebody knows why. Every manchild is a person of interest — submit the one from your DZ.

The committee, all of him, walking off the landing area with helmet in hand

"The Committee"

Everywhere & nowhere · 1,100+ jumps

OffenseRuns jumpslut.com (real) and this boogie (not real). Has been “locking in the date” since 2019. Sells the merch either way.

Prime suspect
Torque — arms crossed, unrepentant, canopy owner

"Torque"

Home DZ: undisclosed · 612 jumps

OffenseBought a canopy before a couch. Sits on the floor. Sits happily.

Unrepentant
Two-Beer — last seen boarding the sunset load

"Two-Beer"

Home DZ: undisclosed · 1,340 jumps

OffenseSaid "one more jump." Witnesses confirm four. Pattern established.

At large (sunset load)
Snacks — dressed for a boogie that got postponed

"Snacks"

Home DZ: undisclosed · 89 jumps

OffenseDrove five hours to help pack for a boogie that got postponed. Brought snacks anyway.

Hero
The Landlord — thinking about his canopy's humidity

"The Landlord"

Home DZ: undisclosed · 2,000+ jumps

OffenseThe canopy has its own bedroom. With a humidity monitor.

Under observation
Kate Cooper-Jensen — Skydiving Hall of Fame, 20+ world records

Kate Cooper-Jensen

Verified real · 16,000 jumps

Exhibit KKate Cooper-Jensen has agreed to organize loads. 20+ world records. 16,000 jumps. Skydiving Hall of Fame. She does not attach her name to fictional events. And yet.

Verified real
ModeratedNothing posts until we approve it. We read everything at the bonfire.
Nicknames onlyDZ names, no full real names. The board is a compliment, not a callout.
Consent requiredYour manchild must know and approve. Manchildren are in on the joke, always.
TakedownsWant off the board? One email: hello@jumpslut.com. Gone same day.

Manchild of the Year

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We'll reply from hello@jumpslut.com — attach the photo then. Approved cases get pinned.

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